Pickles are Bad and I Can Prove It

Pickles are disgusting. I mean they are truly awful. They smell bad, they look bad, they feel bad and most importantly, they taste really magnificently horrid. Pickles don’t exist in nature. They are mutated cucumbers, soaked in formaldehyde and were probably created in a lab by a mad scientist. That may not be true, but it sure seems true.

I boycotted Chick-fil-A because I bit into my grilled chicken sandwich and it crunched. A foul taste filled my mouth sending my taste buds running toward the back of my throat. Why on earth would anyone put pickles on a grilled chicken sandwich?! Clearly this eatery could not be trusted.

I stopped at a gas station off I-95 once to fill up, use the restroom and pick up a few snacks for the road. Near the door, in plain view of all patrons, was a large barrel full of a green liquid with wart covered pickles floating in it. A large man in a flannel shirt with a John Deere ball cap on reached into the barrel and fished out two of the frog skinned things and put them in a baggie. I presumed he was going to use them for a science experiment but after he paid for his items, he happily crunched on one on his way out the door. I threw up slightly in my mouth, but was able to swallow it.

In Publix one day, near the Deli Department, I saw something so odd I thought it was a Halloween decoration. It could be used to scare the neighborhood children when they knock on the door to beg for candy. In fact, if you hung it on the door it might prevent them from knocking at all. That’s how hideous it was.

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I know there are some people who think the freakish Kermit-colored turd-shaped things are tasty. But I believe I can prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Americans know, deep down in our psyche, that pickles are inherently bad.

1.
 When you’re in trouble, really in a tight spot, in a jam and know that you’re screwed you’re in a?

PICKLE

2.
 When you round third and head for home but made a mistake and the ball gets to the catcher and now you’re caught between third and home and will surely get tagged out and yelled at by the coach and ridiculed by your teammates you’re in a?
PICKLE

I rest my case.