God Screws Big Ben

As everyone knows, God is actively involved in sporting events and helping athletes catch balls, score touchdowns and generally choosing sides in games. Athletes frequently kneel together in prayer and thanks following a touchdown, and who can forget Josh Hamilton thanking Jesus himself for getting the Texas Rangers past the New York Yankees in the 2010 ALCS (Jesus later turned out to be a Giants fan, which the city of San Francisco took as a sign that He approved of their culture).

During the buildup to the 2011 Super Bowl, featuring two storied franchises, the Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers, all the talk in Dallas was centered around Big Ben Roethlisberger, the Steelers controversial quarterback. Having gotten himself in a bit of a legal snafu, Big Ben had been praying overtime to get right with God during the interminably long 8 week break between the NFL Playoffs and the Big Game. Odds makers in Las Vegas took bets on where God stood on this game between NFL titans and the world held its collective breath and passed the time before the Super Bowl learning where Egypt is on a map.

When the big day finally came, after God unnerved everyone with a vicious onslaught of cold weather in Dallas, which made many celebrities switch to Scientology on the spot, players for both teams could be seen making the Sign of the Cross in their respective tunnels, assuring God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit that they were playing for them.

God made his presence known quickly, forcing Steelers’ bad boy QB Big Ben, to throw passes to the other team in what was originally called an Intervention before being changed by secular socialist members of the NFL Commissioner’s office to the non-denominational Interception. The Packers, guided by angels, capitalized on the Big Guy’s intervention and put big points on the board.

However, as Scripture tells us, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, and going into the half the game was close enough to give Packers fans watching at home a mild case of indigestion. By the end of the half-time show, most of America had indigestion from a bad batch of Black-Eyed Peas.

​The second half featured dramatic moments that brought the Steelers to within reach of the Packers for the first time in the 7 hour game. Big Ben was sure to give God the respect he deserved.

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But with just moments left to play, on literally the Steelers last chance to take the lead and drive their semi-intoxicated fans into a frenzy, God yanked the carpet out from under Benny and intervened for the last time.

​In the victorious post-game interview, Packers’ receiver Greg Jennings was quick to place all the credit where it belongs; with Christ. He started and ended his interview with “To God be the Glory” thus giving the Lord yet another Vince Lombardi trophy for his collection. And what of Ben Roethlisberger, and his efforts to get on the winning side of Team Jesus? He could not be reached for comment, but rumor has it he was heard mumbling “and people think there’s no God, ha! I bet they do now.”

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