on Parenting


Having been a parent now for over 25 years, I have experienced quite a bit of it. I’ve been through many of the various stages of parenting and can attest to the pros and cons of each. I thought I would take a moment to jot down some of my most frequently used parental expressions so new parents may pick and choose those which they feel would be most helpful, rather than having to come up with their own.

  • “Don’t make me cause you pain and anguish.”
  • “_____ more years until you’re out of the house. Then I’m moving and changing my phone number.”
  • “NO. The answer will always be NO.”
  • “Why am I debating with you, you’ve been alive for 15 years and the first 5 you could barely talk.”
  • “Have I told you that I can’t afford you people?”
  • “Whoever told you life was fair is a freaking liar.”
  • “Why don’t you ask your mom? I’m sure she’ll think it’s a great idea.”
  • “Why do you keep asking me shit? I don’t know anything! Google it.”
  • “What were you thinking swinging at that pitch?”
  • “The bases were loaded and you struck out looking. You should be crying, I’m going to cry too.”
  • “I don’t want to hurt you, but I will.”
  • “Don’t thank me; I’ve added it to your running tab.”
  • “Kids, your mom is on her way home. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
  • “The Easter Bunny? You really think a giant pink rabbit sneaks in at night and hides colored eggs around the house?” This was followed by my daughter running away from me yelling “MOM!!!!”
  • After I complained about the cost of taking them all out to dinner, my oldest says “But we love you Dad.”  My response: “Of course you love me, I’d love me too.”
  • My 18 year old daughter, in love with her boyfriend, asked me how long she should wait to get married. “51% of marriages end in divorce, 31% admit to infidelity. You want to face those odds?”



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